Here we go again.

Again and again and again.

I get so exhausted with finding myself in the same place over and over again. Not praying just venting. Complaining and whining and crying but never learning. God why? Why again? Why this? Why does this keep happening to me? Why, why, why?

I wish I was one of those women who smile sweetly through adversity, calm and collected knowing that the Lord will be there with them through their trials. Not to say she doesn’t have her moments of weakness, but she is constant in her pursuit of Jesus and finds her way back to his arms quickly. She is faithful.

I am not that woman. I am the one sitting in her car hyperventilating holding back tears on the verge of screaming and blaming. The only constant for me would be the worry lines on my brow.

I’m the woman holding all the bags and trying to pick up more while reassuring God Almighty, that it’s okay I got this one. I want Jesus nearby but please don’t hover. Fix my mistakes but don’t take control - Lord. I can’t handle any trials right now, but maybe next week when I’m more rested and I’ve caught up on the grocery shopping and house cleaning. Please just let me schedule a little time aside for the next crisis.

I am not faithful, but I want to be.  “Faith no bigger than a mustard seed” always made me confused. I always took it to mean a tiny, the tiniest, amount of faith will see you through any circumstance. Maybe for that wonderfully faithful woman that is what it means. For myself and my hardheaded compatriots it might mean something a little different. For me faith no bigger than a mustard seed means that I will find myself in situations, possibly many situations that will require no more from me than to take a deep breath and let God have control, faith. Duh right?

Isn't that what I just said it was for the faithful woman? What I mean for me is not it is that simple but rather it is that difficult. A mustard seed has a hard shell. Mustard seeds are hard and having faith can be difficult for some people. People like me, and maybe people like you. Maybe life grinds you down. You find yourself between a rock and a hard place and you want to just give up, but next time you think to yourself  “I don’t have faith like a mustard seed,” - don’t look at your faith as a quantity look at its quality.

Sister, sometimes my faith can’t be measured without the use of a microscope. But not the world, or sin or the devil are going to crush it. Be tough, like a mustard seed.

And the Lord said “If you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea’ and it would obey you.” Luke 17:6 ESV

Huni McGee
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