But I Don’t Even Like Mustard

Here we go again.

Again and again and again.

I get so exhausted with finding myself in the same place over and over again. Not praying just venting. Complaining and whining and crying but never learning. God why? Why again? Why this? Why does this keep happening to me? Why, why, why?

I wish I was one of those women who smile sweetly through adversity, calm and collected knowing that the Lord will be there with them through their trials. Not to say she doesn’t have her moments of weakness, but she is constant in her pursuit of Jesus and finds her way back to his arms quickly. She is faithful.

I am not that woman. I am the one sitting in her car hyperventilating holding back tears on the verge of screaming and blaming. The only constant for me would be the worry lines on my brow.

I’m the woman holding all the bags and trying to pick up more while reassuring God Almighty, that it’s okay I got this one. I want Jesus nearby but please don’t hover. Fix my mistakes but don’t take control - Lord. I can’t handle any trials right now, but maybe next week when I’m more rested and I’ve caught up on the grocery shopping and house cleaning. Please just let me schedule a little time aside for the next crisis.

I am not faithful, but I want to be.  “Faith no bigger than a mustard seed” always made me confused. I always took it to mean a tiny, the tiniest, amount of faith will see you through any circumstance. Maybe for that wonderfully faithful woman that is what it means. For myself and my hardheaded compatriots it might mean something a little different. For me faith no bigger than a mustard seed means that I will find myself in situations, possibly many situations that will require no more from me than to take a deep breath and let God have control, faith. Duh right?

Isn't that what I just said it was for the faithful woman? What I mean for me is not it is that simple but rather it is that difficult. A mustard seed has a hard shell. Mustard seeds are hard and having faith can be difficult for some people. People like me, and maybe people like you. Maybe life grinds you down. You find yourself between a rock and a hard place and you want to just give up, but next time you think to yourself  “I don’t have faith like a mustard seed,” - don’t look at your faith as a quantity look at its quality.

Sister, sometimes my faith can’t be measured without the use of a microscope. But not the world, or sin or the devil are going to crush it. Be tough, like a mustard seed.

And the Lord said “If you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea’ and it would obey you.” Luke 17:6 ESV

Huni McGee
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It’s About You, Lord

Lord, why can I so clearly see You in my past, but not trust You with my future?

I’m constantly losing sight of You in the storm. You’ve walked before me while life surprises me, but You have not been caught unaware. You are patient and loving when I demand more proof, more blessings, more of everything...except more of You.  I claim to need those things to know that You are for me. I bargain with You, blaming myself, creating misery on You and Your refusal to perform miracles when I demand them.

Have You not always seen me safely out of the circumstances I would sit and let myself rot in? My heart cries YES, of course the Lord, MY God has! But my mind works only on remembering where I failed and faltered, allowing the enemy to twist it--to make it look like Your doing, Your punishment, Your absence.

You are steadfast in my heart Jesus, but my mind wanders into the enemy’s camp too often. Help me to turn my thoughts to You when the enemy would have me focus on myself. Help my mind to know what my heart is sure of: You are with me.

Help me to quiet my mind and think on You with my heart first, allowing your peace to flow through me, calming my spirit and healing my soul. For that is where you live, and where I learn. Claim my mind as you have claimed my heart--not with a thought, but with a feeling, a feeling of peace my mind needs. Feeling the healing my body needs. Feeling the saving grace my soul needs. Feeling You near me through all of life’s ups and all of life’s downs, because it is only when I cannot save myself that I remember Your promise.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.  Joshua 1:19

Huni McGee
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Faithful Love

At 2:00am everything becomes a prayer of deliverance, a challenge, and an excuse to get angry at God.

The dog won’t stop barking. You could stop it but you won’t.

The baby is crying again and you could give her peace so we can both get rest, but you won’t. 

I’m coming down with a cold you could heal me of but you won’t.

 I can’t sleep. I can’t stop worrying or crying. 

I find myself stuck somewhere between depressed and furious. You could make everything better, but you won’t. 

God is never more powerful than when we accuse him of being unwilling. Luckily Jesus doesn’t let us bully him into giving us our way. We beg God for a break, for rest, for sleep, for peace, for love, for money, for healing. We rage at him about our pain, all the while holding onto it desperately. We rationalize that we are only asking for what we have earned. We refuse to let our earthly demands go and lean on Him for all our needs.  If we actually accepted that God was there during a difficult time, we couldn’t blame Him. So, we start marking up a score card of our own creation, asking God, "Where were you here? Where were you there? Where were you when this happened?" whining about how we did our part, upheld our side of the bargain--a bargain that God didn’t ask for or agree to. We say, “I went to church, I helped, I tithed, I served, I listened, I, I, I. God, you promised but you didn’t come through.”

Our favorite time to go to God is when we think we are owed something, when we can’t see him working in our lives because we haven’t sat down and shut up long enough to notice. But like the most loving and patient parent, Jesus is waiting for our tantrum to end and for our complaining and bargaining to be over so the he can show us that our prayers have been answered.

We didn’t get exactly what we wanted but we got exactly what we needed.
The faithful love of the Lord never ends.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23 (NIV)

Huni McGee
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